I know how they felt. My feelings during the two weeks were very mixed. On the one hand, my husband and I enjoyed to relaxed time together. We worked hard, extra hard! I had two magazines to get to press last week, so it was a busy one, especially as we just took over a new magazine, Richardson Living, which is completely different than North Texas Kids in format, printing, distribution, etc. My husband had lots of craziness at his software job, too. Too add to the insanity, we decided to paint our t.v. room while the kids were gone… So some days I was very grateful that the kids were gone and we could put in long hours. Other days, especially the ones where the kids didn’t call, I missed them dreadfully. One day my office manager had her daughter at the office and at one point I heard the daughter’s sweet voice saying “I love you mommy.” At that moment it brought tears to my eyes, but in the next moment I realized how grateful I was to have a break from the daily added busy-ness of parenting.

This past weekend, my husband and I went and stayed at a beautiful resort on Lake Travis, outside of Austin, called Lakeway Resort and Spa. This few days away were amazing, relaxing, beautiful, full of conversation, planning and dreaming. This was the first time in four years we had taken a long weekend away for ourselves. In hindsight, that wasn’t very smart of us. Our relationship suffered because of it. We have gotten much better at monthly dates, weekly lunches and trying to walk together in the mornings so that we have quiet conversation time. I know that we are more satisfied with our relationship and working harder at it right now than we have in years.

So I say that my feelings are mixed about having my kids back, but the truth is, I did not miss them terribly for the most part, only at certain moments. On the other hand, I am so glad they are home and was overjoyed to see their smiling faces get off the plane last night and hold them in my arms again. I think we learned a couple of valuable lessons: our kids are growing up very fast. They loved being away and I knew they were safe at my parents house. Also, we learned how much we need time together without the kids to thrive in our relationship with each other. The happier my husband and I are together, the more time, energy and happiness we share with our children. I always say that we are our children’s most important role models. They are going to learn about healthy relationships from what they see between us.

My question for you today: what are you doing to take care of yourself and your marriage? Time apart is healthy for everyone in the family and makes you so much more grateful for time together!

The post My Kids are Home – How Do I Feel About That? appeared first on DFW Mama.

First, we went to my son’s 5th grade graduation last week. The entire affair seemed a little over the top for 5th graders but I appreciated our principal for her comments that moving from elementary to middle school is a rite of passage and our children have fewer opportunities these days to celebrate these times in their life. We do need to emotionally help our children transition at these crucial points of growth and maturity. It is a mental leap for them to shift from elementary to middle school and I was glad to see that honored at this event.

The theme song was “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas, the cafeteria was decorated with graffiti and posters of the kids dressed in rock-n-roll gear. Two giant electric guitars framed the stage. The PTA moms went to town on the decorations. But that wasn’t what impressed me, it was the content of the program. Our children performed (sang and danced) to two songs and you could tell they were enjoying themselves. Several children spoke about what Saigling had meant to them and what they hoped for their own and their classmates futures. I was impressed with how well-spoken, articulate and passionate they were. But my favorite part of the program was when each child walked across the stage to get a certificate and a teacher read what the kids had written about where they wanted to go to college, what they wanted to be when they grow up, where they wanted to live and how they would spend their free time.

My son wants to go to Texas A&M (I think because his best friend also wants to go there, not because it is my alma mater) to study archeology, physics and engineering. After college he wants to sell weapons to the government. Now I have to tell you, that was not my proudest moment and I wonder if he realizes what the weapons actually do to people… I pray this is a boy phase he will grow out of and if not, I will accept who he wants to become. In his play time he wants to collect samples of EVERY rock and mineral on earth. He is quite a character, but so were the other 80 students who walked across the stage. Lots of girls wanted to be veterinarians, lots of boys wanted to design video games. All of them had fun ideas about what to do with their free time, except for two boys. These two boys said they would not have any play time because they would be too busy working. I was shocked. These are 11 year old children! What are they seeing and hearing at home that they think that is the reality of life?

Now I admit that I work too much and my kids complain I don’t play enough but rather than causing them to want to emulate that, they fight it! They intrinsically know how important play time is! My husband and I have made a concerted effort in the past 5 or 6 years not to over-schedule our children. Kids need down time, play time and creative time away from technology, and preferable outside in the fresh air. I have found that when left to their own devices, kids are creative and imaginative and enjoy each other’s company.

I received a disturbing press release yesterday from an organization called the Alliance for Childhood. They were talking about proposed new testing for KINDERGARTNERS that would intensify “Existing state standards for kindergarten and the early grades have already ramped up rote learning, didactic instruction, and standardized testing and nearly driven out hands-on active learning and play. The new standards will intensify these inappropriate and unhealthy practices.” They are proposing a withdrawal of the new proposed core standards. This is a controversial topic and you can read the entire article to form your own opinion here: http://www.allianceforchildhood.org/

I bring this up here not to ask you to work to change policy but to look at your family life. As our children are forced into stricter, busier, fuller days at school from the age of 5 and up, it will be our responsibility as parents to make sure they get that creative, free time at home. There are many studies, articles and years of research on the why play is important to children’s social, emotional and intellectual development. Not to mention that all of us need a break.

I encourage you to turn the t.v. off this summer, put away the Wii and other electronic games and play board games, get the craft projects out or just send your kids outside to play in the sandbox. Spend time listening to how creative and amazing they are. Let their minds take a break this summer to the extent possible with your schedule and their interests. If they are going to camps, let them explore new ideas, fun activities that they haven’t tried before. Get creative yourself and share your ideas here with other moms on how you are spending your free time.

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Borders ’10 Summer Reading Double Dog Dare

Borders bookstore is offering a free book to every child 12 or under who indicates that they’ve read (or had someone read to them) 10 books. You can choose any 10 books to qualify but your free book will be a choice from a predetermined list. The options include great authors like Beverly Cleary and Jeff Brown so your child won’t be disappointed. Program ends on 8/26/10

Barnes and Noble Passport to Summer Reading With 39 Clues

Barnes and Noble has framed their summer reading program around the very popular childrens book series, 39 Clues. Students in grade 6 or under are asked to read 8 books AND identify where each book took place. After they fill out their passport and turn it in they can choose from a list of books to take home for free.  Among the options are books written by Judy Blume, Rick Riordan, Beverly Cleary and Roald Dahl. Promotion ends on 9/7/10.

Half Price Books Summer Reading Program, Feed Your Brain

Half Price Books believes that kids respond to regular and repeated motivation when looking for incentives to read in the summertime. Their program requires kids age 14 or under to read for at least 15 minutes on five or more days a week. At the end of each week, participants are asked to bring in their weekly reading logs to receive a FREE $3 gift certificate for anything in the store. This program expires on 7/31/10.

In addition to bookstores, almost all public libraries offer some sort of  reading program for the summer. Some of my favorites:

Mayor’s Summer Reading Program at the Dallas Public Library

Open to children of all ages, the Mayor’s Summer Reading Program at the Dallas Public Library offers weekly prizes to kids who log five hours of reading (or listening) time a week. There is an END PARTY on Saturday, Aug 14, 10am-12pm at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library.

Fort Worth Library’s Mayor Mike and Rosie’s Summer Reading Challenge 2010, “Deep in the Heart of Texas”

The Fort Worth library offers a summer reading program for every member of the family. For everyone who logs 14 days of reading, they will be able to enter their name in a drawing with prizes like MP3 players, Netbooks or even a Kindle.

Southlake Public Library’s Summer Reading Club 2010

Kids who participate in the Southlake Public Library’s program receive prizes like a free book, free museum ticket and even a free circus ticket (all awards are based on hours logged). For every documented 5 hours of reading, kids also receive an entry into the BIG PRIZE drawings done at the end of the summer. Program ends 8/14/10.

McKinney Public Library’s 2010 Texas Reading Club

The McKinney Public Library’s Reading Club is open to children ages 3 through 6th grade.  In order to earn a prize, a child must read (or be read to) as many hours as they are old.  After children have completed their goals, they may collect their prize in the Children’s Department at the Hall Library.  Prizes for reaching one’s goal include a book, a bookmark, coupons and a Texas Reading Club Certificate.  This program runs through 8/14/10.

Arlington Public Library’s 2010 Summer Reading Club

By taking part in the Arlington Public Library’s 2010 Summer Reading Club, kid’s can earn tickets to a Texas Rangers game, passes to swim at an Arlington pool, great prizes, and an invitation to an end of the summer party. Depending on age, participants can choose to log reading hours or book titles and need to turn in their documentation by 7/31/10.

Of course, there are many more great reading programs out there and they all serve the same purpose – to encourage children to keep READING over the summer. No matter what their age, sign your kiddos up for one of these great opportunities and watch them reap the rewards of all their hard work. Happy Reading!

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As parents, one of the hardest things we do is to watch our children grow up and leave us. I personally was one of those kids who happily went away to camp at age 8 with no tears. I went away to Peru at 14 with no fear (my mother said she sat in the car sobbing after I left.) The only time I got nervous was being dropped off at college, that seemed so permanent and my mom and I clung to each other for a while. It wasn’t until I was an adult that my mom shared with me how hard it had been for her to let me go and how she struggled to hide her own fear and send me on my merry way with love and confidence in my ability to take care of myself.

Yet, our children have to grow up and grow away from us. I want to raise strong, independent children, just like my mother raised me. My son is so excited about sleep away camp, he can hardly stand it and talks about all the amazing things he gets to do at Camp Langston this summer: ride ATVs and jet skis, horseback riding, archery, swimming, etc. The camp acreage is full of wild life, exotic deer and amazing fun he doesn’t even know to expect. He and his best friend are going together and I know they will have fun.

I know my little one will have fun, too, at Camp Bette Perot. She is going with 3 friends from Brownies and is thrilled to experience horseback riding for the first time. Night time might be a challenge, but her days will be full of fun, silliness and excitement! But how can I convince her that it is worth it? How can I calm her fears? What can I send with her to remind her that we love her?

This is a mother’s challenge: to conquer our own fears, to send our children out into the world, to trust that we have raised them to know right from wrong and how to protect themselves from whatever may come. This is no easy task for any of us. Part of me is so excited to have a week alone with my husband and the other part is wondering how I will bear their absence.

I encourage other moms who are sending their children away to camp for the first time this year to share their fears here, but be strong for your children. Send them off, like I will, with love and confidence. They will survive and so will you. They need you to tell them you love them and not show your fear. Remember that they feed off of your emotions and will take their cue from you. Be happy, don’t worry – in the words of Bobby McFerrin and Bob Marley.

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As parents, we have to learn to model for our children how to express our feelings in healthy ways. When we are not comfortable expressing our own feelings, it is very challenging to help our children to express theirs.

I find many women who are very uncomfortable expressing anger or being able to handle their own anger. Anger is a valid emotion and there is nothing wrong with getting mad. Sometimes we get so much anger stored up inside of us (as kids or adults) that we are afraid to unleash it for fear of what might happen.

This is why it is critical to create acceptable means of exploring anger with your children. I am not saying that it is okay to yell at your children or take your anger and frustration out on them, just like it would not be okay to have them dump their anger on someone else.

It is okay for you to say, “I am so angry at you right now, I need some time to cool off. Please go play for a few minutes and then we can talk.” Then take the time to cool off and go and make peace with your child. The reconnection piece is critical to maintaining healthy relationships with your kids or your spouse.

Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting, is clear that we all make mistakes and slip up. We scream at our kids because we are angry or frustrated and we speak in the heat of the moment, often saying something that we don’t mean. Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to accept responsibility and repair the damage. She teaches what she calls the 3 R’s – Rewind, Repair, Replay. When you inadvertently say something that you don’t mean, stop yourself, look at your child and say, “Rewind. I didn’t mean to say that, that was not nice of me and I am sorry.” You are repairing the emotional damage caused by yelling, insulting, invalidating, etc. Then say, “Let me try again. I love you very much. What you did was wrong and we don’t …(whatever the behavior is.) This simple 3 step tool goes a long way towards modeling to your children what it looks like to work through an argument and to reconnect with your loved ones.

Finally, find creative, fun ways for kids to get their feelings out. Join in and you get the chance to work through yours too. When you know a child is angry, frustrated or just too full of pent up emotions, try one of these activities. First, acknowledge the child’s feelings: “Wow, I can see how mad you are. Why don’t we go use up some of that energy.”

Ideas for dealing with pent up emotions, especially anger and frustration: Shred newspaper/recycled paper, have a pillow fight, bang on a big exercise ball (makes a great bouncy punching bag that will leave them in hysterics,) beat clay or play dough (give them a giant ball of it and let them pound it flat,) or get outside and dig in the dirt or sandbox. Being in the garden, playing in the dirt is very grounding for children and most kids don’t get enough time outdoors in the fresh air.

The key is not to let your emotions or theirs build up until someone explodes. If you need to have a tantrum, have one. You don’t have to do it in front of your kids but it’s okay for you to pound some pillows, too! When we release the emotions, we clear space emotionally and energetically for more love to flow in.

So go shred some paper, dig in the dirt and get physical with your kids. They will thank you for it.

Happy Parenting, Minette

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The talk focuses on how to connect to our children by learning to listen to their feelings. I am passionate about sharing this information, so over the next couple of days I want to share some of the tips and ideas from this talk with you. Much of the information is based on the the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo, which is available on Amazon.com.

Pam talks about how critical it is to build open, honest communication with our kids by truly listening to them. When we validate how our children feel, we show them how much we love them, build trust and we increase their sense of self-worth.

For today, I want to share with you ten ways that parents inadvertently stop children from expressing their feelings. And moms, we do these things from a place of love or from a place of busyness or distraction. We are all doing the best we can, none of us intentionally stop our kids from feeling, at least on a conscious level. What we want most is to make our kids happy, keep them safe from harm and have them know that they are loved!

You may recognize yourself in this list and you certainly may recognize comments you heard from your own parents, teachers or other adults in your life. So even if you are not saying these to your children, someone else probably is:

Invalidating -There, there, nothing to cry about or be afraid of.
Shaming -Don’t cry, be a big boy/girl, don’t be a sissy, don’t be a baby.”
Threatening – “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Placating or fixing it – “I’ll get you a new one.”
Distraction – “Let’s go get a cookie, new toy, etc.”
Isolation – “Go to your room until you can stop crying.”
Ignoring  – unspoken or spoken “I won’t talk until you stop crying.”
Outdoing – “You think that’s bad, listen to what happened to me.”
Guilting – “You have so much, you shouldn’t be upset over this.”
Humoring – Child falls, “Did you hurt that driveway?”

When children get these messages from us, we interrupt the free flow of emotion (anger, frustration, sadness, pain) that allows children to process their feelings and move on. If you allow your child to cry for a few minutes and express their feelings, usually they bounce right back and off they go to play.

When we stop children from expressing their feelings, what a child hears is “I am not valid, I am not loveable or worth.” From this, children learn to stuff their feelings. This causes disconnection both from themselves and from you!

Check back tomorrow to see how children store these hurts and what happens when they can’t hold onto them anymore. We will take a whole new look at temper tantrums and why they happen!

The post Ways we Invalidate Our Children’s Feelings appeared first on DFW Mama.

I don’t want to think about summer yet! Is it really April already? I envy those moms who have their entire summers planned out and their deposits paid for this or that camp. As a working mom, summer is crazy for me. I have to juggle getting my kids to and from camps and working full-time. It gets complicated at times. My kids are reaching the age where they have different interests and don’t want to go to the same camps anymore. Soon my son will be too old to go to camp, too young to work and too bored to just hang out, but we’re not quite there yet.

The only thing I know for sure is that both of my kids are going to sleep away camps for the first time this summer. My son to Camp Langston in east Texas. He can’t wait to ride an ATV. My daughter is going to Girl Scout camp with several girls from her Brownie troop. Part of me is happy they want to go, looking forward to a week alone with my husband but a bigger part of me is panicking. What am I doing sending my babies off without me or at least a grandparent to watch over them?

So if you have any great words of wisdom to share about shipping your kids off to camp, I would love to hear them!

I am thrilled to be part of the DFWMama.com community and look forward to sharing with all of you and learning from you!

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